A Day In The Life

I never intended to be a stay at home mom, not ever. Ok, well, yes, I expected to be one for the first two months or so, but really that was to let my nether region heal and because I don't trust many people with as much as a houseplant, so I was especially skeptical about trusting anyone with a wee human I grew and then pushed out said region.

So I worked right up until the day I went into labor and hung out with the kid for seven weeks before heading back to work. I'm not claiming this was ideal (for my bits or my kid), but that's life. My super-mom sister-in-law took care of Guy while we were at work and all was right with the world.

Until it wasn't. I lost my job rather expectantly at the end of April/beginning of May and I've been on vacation ever since. And by vacation I mean the most exhausting job Ive ever had.

We have good days and bad days, but we've were finally into a groove and the longer I go without a "real" job, the less appealing it sounds. I know, I can't believe I'm saying it either, but it's been 3.5 months and the thought of wearing clothes that require a bra, putting on make-up, showering regularly, and having to talk to people who aren't my kid or husband sounds like a lot of work. Which is funny (depressing?), because those are things that I enjoyed doing before my life as a SAHM. But I also know that, deep down, it's what I need. I need a reason to wear pants that aren't the black yoga variety, to wear my hair in something other than a sloppy ponytail, to talk to people I'm not related to, and to go to be before 2am.

And like so many other people out there, the search for suitable work continues. In the meantime, I'm trying my best to enjoy my time with my awesome amazing exhausting hilarious stubborn son.

So what exactly does a stay at home mom do all day (well, specifically this mom)? Yeah, I had no idea either, sorry Mom!

- Suck down a big cup of coffee to help you wake up enough to handle all the screeching and being used as a trampoline.

- Wash a couple loads of dishes by hand because your husband obviously has no idea how to do it and all that shit can't be put in the dishwasher (believe me, I've tried).

-De-algefy the kid's pool (I'm almost 100% sure that's a real verb).

-Watch the kid climb fully clothed into his pool or into a pile of mud (and juicy green weeds) and then into his sandbox and back again -- and not really care. Pick your battles!

- Change a poop filled diaper only to realize he wasn't quite done. Change another poop filled diaper 5-10 minutes later. Do all this while your child tries kicking you in the face.

- Some time later find a smudge of light brown goop on your arm and not know if it's peanut butter or poop. Fingers crossed for peanut butter.

- Spend an hour combing through jobs online. Get depressed when you discover everything is either 45 minutes away from you, a hair above minimum wage, and/or part-time.

- Take video while your kid dutifully stacks his wooden blocks just so that he can get on all fours and knock them over with a swift side kick.

- Tend to the garden for two minutes or so. Marvel at the watermelons & squash that are finally growing and then pick some cherry tomatoes off the vine and eat them on the spot. When you turn back around, discover that your kid has drowned your phone with the hose and is happily chatting away on your now dripping wet mobile.

- Spend all morning thinking about sleeping, but when your kid finally goes down for his nap, you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up about all the stuff you have to do. Finally fall asleep 10-20 minutes before your kid wakes up. Resent him for the next couple of hours.

- Sneak into your kid's room after he wakes up from his nap and feel your heart burst when he sees you and gives you his biggest smile. Savor the 30-60 seconds of snuggling he gives you before he turns back into his crazy toddler self.

- Rewash that load of laundry for the third time because you keep forgetting it's in there or are too lazy to make the trip down into the basement to change it before it starts to smell.

- Change the sheets on the guest bed, knowing that the only "guests" that will be sleeping on the bed are your three very hairy cats.

- Pick up that pile of cat vomit, but only so your kid doesn't do it first, otherwise you would probably leave it for your husband.

- Talk to your Mum on the phone. Cry because you miss your family and friends and California -- especially when you have no job or school or other commitments keeping you here and the only thing holding you back (and it's a big one) is lack of funds.

- Walk out of one room & back in 30 seconds later to find that your child has somehow found your fabric scissors (lets be honest, they could cut tree branches) and is happily slicing away at the air in front of him. Creep up slowly as not to spook him, remove the scissors from his sticky fingers and then burst into tears over what a terrible parent you are.

- Watch in giddy amazement as your kid discovers how much fun twirling in circles can be.

- Pick up that half eaten chunk of banana, walk into the other room and pick up that chunk of apple, walk into the other room and pick up that chunk of watermelon... repeat throughout the day.

- Give yourself a mental high-five for wearing a bra and/or putting on make-up at some point during the day.

- Watch two hours of Curious George throughout the day because it's the only thing your child will sit moderately still for and if you don't get a break at some point, you'll rip your hair out in giant clumps and/or develop a permanent eye twitch.

- Try to convince your toddler to color with you. Give up when it becomes clear he's more interested in eating the crayons than coloring with them.

- Take a walk over to the park and leave after a half hour because your child would rather try running into the street than play on the playground.

- Talk at your husband when he gets home from work about all the crazy things your kid did that tested your sanity.

- Realize that it's all worth it, every bit of it. Even the stuff that makes you want to cry, or stab yourself with a fork, or leave your kid with a grandparent for weeks on end. Get annoyed at your self over being so cliche.

- Drink a glass of cheap red wine while watching reruns of Doctor Who. Have a slight panic attack when you realize you only have half a bottle of wine left. Consider robbing the liquor store, decide that that's too much work. Consider going to bed early, realize it's never going to happen, end up spending hours browsing Pinterest instead.

- Do it all over again.